There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
