HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
