Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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