and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize