walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize