Screwed.edu
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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