if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
