FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
