That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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