census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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