You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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