just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
