checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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