Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My penis needs a shock collar
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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