I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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