Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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