I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
