Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
