I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
