At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
