god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
