mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I touched a dick in church today
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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