just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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