Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
