"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
wrigley field is MILF paradise
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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