If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
be right there i have to get my cape
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
