Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i love accidental penises.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
