We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
