I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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