on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize