Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
