I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
