She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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