There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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