do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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