i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
