He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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