I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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