i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize