Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
