he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
