I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
