There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You ruined the universe
Randomize
