update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
