I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
be right there i have to get my cape
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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