Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
