Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
this beer tastes like vomit already
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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