I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
