The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
