Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
