I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
