Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I intend to get homeless drunk
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
