the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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