I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I lost the right to judge tonight
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
