I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
