i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
