Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
