so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize